The Ex

2019-01-07 By Filed Under: Life Adventures, Musings, Sex Leave a Comment

I saw her again recently, a couple weeks before Christmas.

She was briefly visiting my city for a couple days, so we met for brunch to catch up. She’s doing well. She’s started dating a new guy. Good for her.

She was my first girlfriend. We dated for roughly five years, but ultimately we just couldn’t make it work. Much of that was due to the fact that during most of the time we were together, we lived in different cities due to our jobs. But we saw each other as much as we could.

We technically broke up a couple years ago, but we’ve still periodically stayed in touch. Hell, we’ve still even fucked a few times since breaking up.

I changed jobs a few months ago, one that had me relocate to the city in which she lived. For a brief period of time, I thought maybe the universe was giving us a second chance at love. I didn’t move for her, but I can’t deny that the move did fill me with hope at reconciling our relationship.

Ironically, she herself got a better job in a different city, moving away just as I moved in. The universe fills me with such hope, only to immediately snatch it all away. Sometimes I wonder that maybe there is a god, and he’s just trolling me at this point.

Fuck ten girls to get over her and then see if you still want her. That’s the common advice I found in the masculinity sphere of the Internet on dealing with a painful breakup. So I did that – and then some. Guess what? I still want her.

Many men develop one-itis for a particular girl because they don’t believe they’re capable of getting another one. But that’s not the case with me. I haven’t involuntarily been without female attention for long since breaking up with my ex.

Since our breakup, I’ve banged girls with bigger tits and girls with smaller tits. Skinnier girls and chubbier girls. Smarter girls and dumber girls. Richer girls and poorer girls. What that’s all taught me – none of those girls were her.

Hell, I’ve technically even had another girlfriend for almost the entire time since our breakup. Which begs the question: if you cheat on your current girlfriend with your ex-girlfriend whom you’re still in love with, which girl is the side chick? But I digress.

Our relationship wasn’t perfect. We had plenty of arguments that devolved into screaming matches. (Well, her screaming at me while I calmly and logically stated my points.) Hell, my car still has a few big scratches on it from where she keyed it after one particularly nasty argument. There actually isn’t any good, logical reason I should still want to be with her. And yet…

Back when we were dating, I used to tell her that she was like a drug to me. I should have thought through exactly what that meant.

I’ve never done heroin, but if heroin makes someone feel anything like the way I feel when I’m with her – then I completely understand why people do heroin. From what I’ve read, heroin is addictive because it makes a person feel so good that everything else afterward is just second-rate.

And that’s exactly how I feel about my ex. I can’t completely articulate why – but no other girl makes me feel the way I do when I’m with her. No other girl makes me laugh like she does. No other girl’s body feels quite right to hold and kiss. Every time some stupid love song comes on the radio, she’s the only girl I think about. Every other girl I date is just me chasing that feeling of being with my ex, trying to replicate it in some fashion. But it never quite works.

Game advice online revolves 99.9% around how to pick up and sleep with attractive women. But there’s nothing out there on what to do when you find that one particular girl that floods your brain with so much dopamine that your reaction to any other girl is just meh.

But I suppose there really isn’t anything you actually can do. I have to accept that that scar will always be there. I’ll keep chasing the dragon. There are plenty of other girls out there, and any one of them would be lucky to have me grace their lives with my presence. So I know I’ll be just fine.

I just have to learn to live with never again feeling more than just fine.

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The Last Man Super Bowl Challenge 2017

2017-02-05 By Filed Under: Life Adventures, Musings, Society Leave a Comment

Today is Super Bowl Sunday. My least favorite day of the year.

I’ve never liked sports. Watching grown, sweaty men chase after a ball always seemed like one of the most pointless things in existence. Even as a kid, I never understood how the masses of sheep just swallow up that garbage.

The worst offender here in America is football. Sure, people enjoy watching the other sports like baseball, basketball, hockey, etc. But football? Well, it’s basically a religion in this country. People wake up early on Sundays to go to church, then they come home to mindlessly zone out and watch whatever game is on.

Then comes Super Bowl Sunday, which is like Christmas or Easter to the followers of Footballism.

Except I hate football. If Super Bowl Sunday is Christmas, then I’m Ebenezer Scrooge.

Before I was born, my mother always thought all men liked football. I proved her wrong.

You know how some people have a strong passion in favor of a specific team? I have exactly that same passion, except it’s all directed at hating football in general.

“But the Super Bowl is more than just football! That’s when they air all the hilarious commercials!” That’s another thing I’ve heard over and over.

Except I also hate commercials. Modern society is way too over-commercialized.

So when you put football and commercials together? Well, that’s just a big bowl of shittiness.

It’s crazy to me that some people actually watch the Super Bowl just for the commercials. Seriously? I actively avoid advertising. As a kid, I would tape my usual TV shows so I could fast forward through the commercials. Today, I frequently pirate watch my shows online, commercial-free. I make sure Adblock is installed on all of my computers so I can avoid all ads online.

So it’s mind boggling when people tell me they just watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. What a fucking waste of time.

I want absolutely no part of this Super Bowl bullshit. I don’t want to know who’s playing, where they’re playing, or anything about the outcome of the game.

Except society won’t let me.

The Super Bowl is all anyone wants to talk about the day after.

I hated it growing up. The Super Bowl is literally the only thing the other kids in school wanted to talk about. Either that, or the dumb commercials that aired during the game. But I spent my time on more useful endeavors, like playing with Legos. I had nothing to contribute to their dumb discussions about that dumb game. So I was always ostracized from the other kids.

As an adult, the thing now is Super Bowl parties. Yay! If I want any kind of social life on Super Bowl Sunday, it revolves around getting together to eat shitty food and pretending to be interested in watching 200 pound men run into each other when they’re not standing around scratching their jock-itch.

No thanks. I’ll be spending the evening playing video games in my underwear while shunning the world.

And literally, I have to shun the entire world. If I want to avoid learning who won the Super Bowl, I have to avoid LITERALLY all social media. A complete media blackout. That means no Facebook, no Twitter, no Instagram. I can’t check any news sites or forums, lest I accidentally be infested with the Knowledge. Even when I take every precaution I can think of to avoid finding out who won, the Knowledge still somehow finds me.

This challenge of avoiding the Knowledge of who won the Super Bowl is collectively referred to as “Last Man”. I’ve been informally playing it the last couple of years. But since I’ve returned to blogging, I can now publicly announce my participation in the challenge this year.

Last year, I had hoped to make it one full week without learning the outcome of the 2016 Super Bowl. But I couldn’t even make it 24 hours. Fortunately, I don’t remember any more who won last year. And I don’t fucking give a shit, either.

My goal is the same this year. I want to make it one week without learning the Knowledge. Although preferably, I’d never find out who won.

I will update this blog post when and if I learn the Knowledge this year.

Wish me luck!

Oh, and I hope your team loses.

Update: 2017-02-06, 5:30 PM EST

I may know who won. I momentarily saw a post on the Roosh V Forum thread dedicated to playing Last Man saying, “Take a look at my avatar for who won”. Without thinking, I glanced over for a fraction of a second and saw a swirl of red and blue. I don’t know what the logos look like for each team, so I’m not completely sure yet who won.

However, the colors of red and blue may be a give-away based on my knowledge of which teams were playing. Though since this is America, I figure there’s a good chance EVERY team has elements of the flag colors in their logos. The RVF poster also had a troll icon in his post, so there is a chance he’s trolling. Which means there’s also a chance the logo may not even belong to one of the teams that were playing.

Still, I’m going to estimate my chances of knowing the winner of the Super Bowl at 75%.

Fuck, it hasn’t even been 24 hours yet. I’m going to be so pissed if it turns out I actually do know the winner. If there’s one place I thought would be a safe space for avoiding the Knowledge, it’d be a forum thread dedicated to avoiding the Knowledge. Fucking trolls.

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No Regrets

2012-05-29 By Filed Under: Life Adventures, Musings 1 Comment

Yesterday, I went to visit my elderly great aunt in the nursing home. And I’m hoping for her sake, it’s the last time. I haven’t seen her in a few years, and the last time I did, she was healthy and vibrant. But now, she’s weak, frail, bedridden, forced to wear a diaper, barely able to speak, and completely dependent on nurses for her care. It put everything in perspective just how quickly life can change for the worse.

I could be just like that someday (Except I’m planning on finding the nearest cliff to jump off of before reaching that point). And it got me wondering, what will I regret when it’s me on my own deathbed? I want the answer to be “absolutely nothing.” Sure, there’s no way I can do and experience everything possible in life before dying, and I accept that. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try my damnedest.

That means if I see a pretty girl I want to fuck, I will talk to her. That means if I want to meet more people and make more friends, I will go outside more. That means if I want to travel frequently, I will work my ass off to find a way to become location independent. That means if I want to publish a novel someday, I will be writing every day. That means if I want to experience other cultures, I will be studying and learning foreign languages. That means if I want to learn how to fight, I will start practicing a martial art. That means if I want only happiness in my life, I will be cutting out all the negative people and influences surrounding me. That means if I want as much time as possible to do these things, I will work out more and eat right.

Those are just a handful of things on my list of what I want to accomplish and how I want to accomplish them. So when the time comes, I can honestly say, “I regret nothing!”

What about you? What will you regret?

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Rainbows

2012-05-22 By Filed Under: Life Adventures, Musings Leave a Comment

I went out for a short bike ride yesterday just after it finished raining around 5 p.m., where I discovered a double rainbow had formed on the eastern horizon. One of the rainbows made a beautiful full arc across the city. I raced to the nearest parking garage where I could get a better view from 11 stories up and take some pictures. Watching the colorful arcs in the sky put me in a rather introspective mood, and I wanted to share my thoughts.

The first thing I noticed was that nobody else had stopped to watch the rainbows. Nobody else cared. As it was just after 5, I could see from my vantage point the throng of people getting out of their jobs and scurrying back to their cars. I was the only one who had stopped to take the time to indulge in this instance of natural beauty. Even the people getting into their cars next to me on top of the parking garage couldn’t afford spending the time to watch the rainbows. Where did everyone else need to be in such a hurry at this time of the evening that they couldn’t just take 5 minutes to appreciate an awesome moment of nature?

We’re all so caught up in our lives and routines that just taking a moment to enjoy something as simple as a rainbow seems like a great burden to bear. My own life is so busy and hectic with writing, reading, chasing tail, working out, building this blog, occasionally doing my real job, etc., that I found it refreshing to take out a few minutes from my day to just enjoy something simple and beautiful.

Most of you are probably thinking it’s incredibly silly to get so excited about a rainbow. But, when was the last time you truly took the time to watch and enjoy one?

‘The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.’
~ Rocky Balboa

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