The Ex

I saw her again recently, a couple weeks before Christmas.

She was briefly visiting my city for a couple days, so we met for brunch to catch up. She’s doing well. She’s started dating a new guy. Good for her.

She was my first girlfriend. We dated for roughly five years, but ultimately we just couldn’t make it work. Much of that was due to the fact that during most of the time we were together, we lived in different cities due to our jobs. But we saw each other as much as we could.

We technically broke up a couple years ago, but we’ve still periodically stayed in touch. Hell, we’ve still even fucked a few times since breaking up.

I changed jobs a few months ago, one that had me relocate to the city in which she lived. For a brief period of time, I thought maybe the universe was giving us a second chance at love. I didn’t move for her, but I can’t deny that the move did fill me with hope at reconciling our relationship.

Ironically, she herself got a better job in a different city, moving away just as I moved in. The universe fills me with such hope, only to immediately snatch it all away. Sometimes I wonder that maybe there is a god, and he’s just trolling me at this point.

Fuck ten girls to get over her and then see if you still want her. That’s the common advice I found in the masculinity sphere of the Internet on dealing with a painful breakup. So I did that – and then some. Guess what? I still want her.

Many men develop one-itis for a particular girl because they don’t believe they’re capable of getting another one. But that’s not the case with me. I haven’t involuntarily been without female attention for long since breaking up with my ex.

Since our breakup, I’ve banged girls with bigger tits and girls with smaller tits. Skinnier girls and chubbier girls. Smarter girls and dumber girls. Richer girls and poorer girls. What that’s all taught me – none of those girls were her.

Hell, I’ve technically even had another girlfriend for almost the entire time since our breakup. Which begs the question: if you cheat on your current girlfriend with your ex-girlfriend whom you’re still in love with, which girl is the side chick? But I digress.

Our relationship wasn’t perfect. We had plenty of arguments that devolved into screaming matches. (Well, her screaming at me while I calmly and logically stated my points.) Hell, my car still has a few big scratches on it from where she keyed it after one particularly nasty argument. There actually isn’t any good, logical reason I should still want to be with her. And yet…

Back when we were dating, I used to tell her that she was like a drug to me. I should have thought through exactly what that meant.

I’ve never done heroin, but if heroin makes someone feel anything like the way I feel when I’m with her – then I completely understand why people do heroin. From what I’ve read, heroin is addictive because it makes a person feel so good that everything else afterward is just second-rate.

And that’s exactly how I feel about my ex. I can’t completely articulate why – but no other girl makes me feel the way I do when I’m with her. No other girl makes me laugh like she does. No other girl’s body feels quite right to hold and kiss. Every time some stupid love song comes on the radio, she’s the only girl I think about. Every other girl I date is just me chasing that feeling of being with my ex, trying to replicate it in some fashion. But it never quite works.

Game advice online revolves 99.9% around how to pick up and sleep with attractive women. But there’s nothing out there on what to do when you find that one particular girl that floods your brain with so much dopamine that your reaction to any other girl is just meh.

But I suppose there really isn’t anything you actually can do. I have to accept that that scar will always be there. I’ll keep chasing the dragon. There are plenty of other girls out there, and any one of them would be lucky to have me grace their lives with my presence. So I know I’ll be just fine.

I just have to learn to live with never again feeling more than just fine.

The Last Man Super Bowl Challenge 2017

Today is Super Bowl Sunday. My least favorite day of the year.

I’ve never liked sports. Watching grown, sweaty men chase after a ball always seemed like one of the most pointless things in existence. Even as a kid, I never understood how the masses of sheep just swallow up that garbage.

The worst offender here in America is football. Sure, people enjoy watching the other sports like baseball, basketball, hockey, etc. But football? Well, it’s basically a religion in this country. People wake up early on Sundays to go to church, then they come home to mindlessly zone out and watch whatever game is on.

Then comes Super Bowl Sunday, which is like Christmas or Easter to the followers of Footballism.

Except I hate football. If Super Bowl Sunday is Christmas, then I’m Ebenezer Scrooge.

Before I was born, my mother always thought all men liked football. I proved her wrong.

You know how some people have a strong passion in favor of a specific team? I have exactly that same passion, except it’s all directed at hating football in general.

“But the Super Bowl is more than just football! That’s when they air all the hilarious commercials!” That’s another thing I’ve heard over and over.

Except I also hate commercials. Modern society is way too over-commercialized.

So when you put football and commercials together? Well, that’s just a big bowl of shittiness.

It’s crazy to me that some people actually watch the Super Bowl just for the commercials. Seriously? I actively avoid advertising. As a kid, I would tape my usual TV shows so I could fast forward through the commercials. Today, I frequently pirate watch my shows online, commercial-free. I make sure Adblock is installed on all of my computers so I can avoid all ads online.

So it’s mind boggling when people tell me they just watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. What a fucking waste of time.

I want absolutely no part of this Super Bowl bullshit. I don’t want to know who’s playing, where they’re playing, or anything about the outcome of the game.

Except society won’t let me.

The Super Bowl is all anyone wants to talk about the day after.

I hated it growing up. The Super Bowl is literally the only thing the other kids in school wanted to talk about. Either that, or the dumb commercials that aired during the game. But I spent my time on more useful endeavors, like playing with Legos. I had nothing to contribute to their dumb discussions about that dumb game. So I was always ostracized from the other kids.

As an adult, the thing now is Super Bowl parties. Yay! If I want any kind of social life on Super Bowl Sunday, it revolves around getting together to eat shitty food and pretending to be interested in watching 200 pound men run into each other when they’re not standing around scratching their jock-itch.

No thanks. I’ll be spending the evening playing video games in my underwear while shunning the world.

And literally, I have to shun the entire world. If I want to avoid learning who won the Super Bowl, I have to avoid LITERALLY all social media. A complete media blackout. That means no Facebook, no Twitter, no Instagram. I can’t check any news sites or forums, lest I accidentally be infested with the Knowledge. Even when I take every precaution I can think of to avoid finding out who won, the Knowledge still somehow finds me.

This challenge of avoiding the Knowledge of who won the Super Bowl is collectively referred to as “Last Man”. I’ve been informally playing it the last couple of years. But since I’ve returned to blogging, I can now publicly announce my participation in the challenge this year.

Last year, I had hoped to make it one full week without learning the outcome of the 2016 Super Bowl. But I couldn’t even make it 24 hours. Fortunately, I don’t remember any more who won last year. And I don’t fucking give a shit, either.

My goal is the same this year. I want to make it one week without learning the Knowledge. Although preferably, I’d never find out who won.

I will update this blog post when and if I learn the Knowledge this year.

Wish me luck!

Oh, and I hope your team loses.

Update: 2017-02-06, 5:30 PM EST

I may know who won. I momentarily saw a post on the Roosh V Forum thread dedicated to playing Last Man saying, “Take a look at my avatar for who won”. Without thinking, I glanced over for a fraction of a second and saw a swirl of red and blue. I don’t know what the logos look like for each team, so I’m not completely sure yet who won.

However, the colors of red and blue may be a give-away based on my knowledge of which teams were playing. Though since this is America, I figure there’s a good chance EVERY team has elements of the flag colors in their logos. The RVF poster also had a troll icon in his post, so there is a chance he’s trolling. Which means there’s also a chance the logo may not even belong to one of the teams that were playing.

Still, I’m going to estimate my chances of knowing the winner of the Super Bowl at 75%.

Fuck, it hasn’t even been 24 hours yet. I’m going to be so pissed if it turns out I actually do know the winner. If there’s one place I thought would be a safe space for avoiding the Knowledge, it’d be a forum thread dedicated to avoiding the Knowledge. Fucking trolls.

What Is The Purpose of My Blog?

After reading my previous post about resurrecting myself after a 4.5 year absence, you might be wondering: what the hell is this blog even about? What is my purpose in blogging? That’s not an entirely unfounded question.

When I first attempted blogging in 2012, assuming you’d even call my 8 posts an “attempt”, I had aspirations of becoming a game/lifestyle/generic-manosphere blog. But I fizzled out because I realized I didn’t have anything to say. Now I do.

What could I say about game that hadn’t already been said a million times by others with far more experience with women? Back in 2012, I still had a fairly low notch count and was in a committed relationship. Since that relationship ended, my notch count has increased appreciably. Now I finally feel like I have some wisdom to share regarding women.

What could I say about lifestyle? Back in 2012, I was unemployed after graduate school and struggling to find employment. I even had to move back in with my parents in my hometown in the Midwest. That depressing reality doesn’t make good fodder for a lifestyle blog.

I currently have a good, cushy job (at least as far as wage slave jobs go) and am just starting to hit my stride in life. Only now do I actually have the means to travel and have adventures. Only now do I finally feel like I have something to say about developing a lifestyle.

However, game and lifestyle are just two of the things I will be focusing on. I envision my blog as encompassing much, much more.

The primary purpose of my blog is simple: it’s my soapbox for discussing all my passions in life, the place where I can freely discuss anything and everything that appeals to me, and an outlet for chronicling some of my crazy life stories.

Is it possible to adequately and neatly summarize all my passions and interests for maximum SEO purposes? Hell if I know.

Matt Forney breaks down blogging into three tiers:

A tier-3 blog has no purpose and no mission aside from being a place where you can write stuff and other people can read it. What do you write on a tier-3 blog, you might ask?

Anything and everything.

Whenever you get the urge to write, write. It doesn’t matter what, so long as you write. Local politics, your favorite music videos, book reviews, celebrity gossip, the corn content of a pile of shit; if it crosses your mind, blog about it. Fisk some feminists, rant about your co-workers, and generally do what you want, when you want. If you feel like writing a post at three in the morning on a Sunday while drunk off your ass on Twisted Teas, go right ahead.

Once you’ve gathered enough data from the tier-3 blog, you advance to tier-2: a tightly-focused and organized blog. A tier-2 blog has a particular topic of interest and a set schedule of publication. The articles you write for a tier-2 blog are well thought-out and value-add; you don’t simply pick something that’s happening in the news and grouse about it, you write something that will genuinely enlighten people and continue to be relevant months, years after it’s published.

I’d like to establish this blog as being somewhere between Tier 3 and Tier 2. I ostensibly have a Tier 2 purpose and a mission as encapsulated by my tagline: “Musings on Sex, Science, Self-Defense, and Society”. However, like Tier 3, I don’t want to be completely committed to a specific theme. I want to retain the freedom of sometimes being able to deviate and rant about whatever’s on my mind.

But as far as my ostensible purpose, let’s break down what my tagline means:

  • “Musings” is my leeway to post about all of my introspective thoughts and wonder aloud about a topic.
  • “Sex” covers my posts about game and seduction concepts, as well as my wisdom about women. Also any of my crazy sex stories.
  • “Science” covers the fact that I’m a physicist, and I love discussing the inner workings of our strange and vast universe. It’s also the category where I can geek out over new discoveries and technological developments.
  • “Self-Defense” covers my obsession casual interest in firearms, knives, and martial arts, as well as all forms of “forbidden knowledge” such as lock-picking, tactical skills, surveillance techniques, and all the other miscellaneous things you usually see in spy thrillers.
  • “Society” covers my need to talk about culture and politics, especially my distaste for the cancer that is the social justice warrior phenomenon. And because no discussion of society could be complete without comparing and contrasting different cultures, I’ll also be sharing what I’ve learned from my travels around the world.

I’ve limited my tagline to those categories primarily because none of the others have any good alliterations with the letter “S.”

Besides, because everything is technically contained within a society, the latter category is my umbrella term for being able to discuss pretty much anything else.

Many of my other interests can be summarized under the tenets of traditional masculinity: the freedom to speak one’s mind, self-improvement, health & fitness, lifestyle optimization, a red-pill understanding of human behavior, etc. Taking those concepts and applying them to modern-day society, one of my biggest influences in blogging, Roosh, coined the term Neomasculinity. As a man who strives everyday for masculine endeavors, Neomasculinity has formed a major component of my mindset.

Speaking of mindset, Mike Cernovich and Victor Pride have been major influences on me, as well. In fact, their frequent blogging about mindset and having a positive mental attitude, especially Victor Pride’s recent Full Color Godcasts, are the kick in the ass I needed to motivate me to re-start my blog.

The concept of mindset ties neatly into another life-long interest of mine, psychology. I got into science in an attempt to understand the inner workings of the universe, and likewise I’ve been interested in psychology in an attempt to understand how people think and behave. Given the overlap with game and science, psychology and mindset are naturally also topics I’ll be blogging about.

All that pretty much summarizes the “serious” discussions I plan to have with this blog. But like the Joker once said, “Why so serious?” Being all work and no play would be no fun, so I’ll also be blogging my thoughts on non-serious topics, like my favorite movies and vices. As I casually mentioned in my previous post, a lot of my procrastination on writing is due to being distracted by Netflix and video games. I’m not gonna change that much, so of course I’ll still be wasting some time with Netflix and video games. But what I can do differently is to rationalize wasting time by writing about it later! Genius!

Now, if you’ve kept reading this post this far, you’ll have noticed that I’ve put in a lot of time into designing what my blog will become. So you might be wondering, if I’m putting in all this work, then…

 

What is my end goal in blogging?

Honestly? To make enough money online to become location independent. My dream is to be able to travel the world, have adventures, and make money through writing. I have some ideas for novels and short stories that I will be writing, and I will be tying those into a true Tier-2 blog that I’m currently developing. So you’ll also see posts on my blog revolving around writing in addition to everything else.

I’ve been procrastinating on my dream for far too long now, stupidly thinking that one day I’ll just wake up and my dreams will have come true. But to absolutely nobody’s surprise, nothing is going to happen unless I take action.

So that’s what I’m doing. My first step in taking action is to restart this blog, get to writing, and get some feedback on my writing.

That’s the true purpose of this blog.

A Lonely Resurrection

Four and a half years.

That’s approximately how long ago it was when I first tried the blogging game. I created an account with WordPress and bought myself a nifty little domain name. I even proceeded to write a few articles. Then I abruptly quit.

I don’t have any good reason. Except that writing is hard. And I’m lazy.

But every year, I’ve been renewing my domain name. And every year, I told myself this would be the year I get back to blogging. I even meant it, too. I am a master at lying to myself.

I’m also a master at finding excuses not to write. All I have to do is sit down, open up a text editor, and move my fingers on a keyboard. It should be that easy, right? And yet, in a world where I hear the siren calls of Netflix and video games… well, somehow the work never gets done.

I’ve thought about this blog nearly every day since I quit. I’ve kept a list of ideas that would make great blog posts. I want to get back into writing. No… I need to get back into writing.

If you haven’t been paying attention, there’s a lot of shit going on right now in the world. A lot of shit I want to speak up about, even if I just end up ranting at nobody in particular. I can’t stay silent anymore.

More than that, I’m a damn good writer. Or at least I am when I actually apply myself. It’s a great travesty that I’m not exposing the world to my talents.

I have dreams of making it big and making a living through my writing. My plans have always been to get this blog running, then use the blogging platform to launch my career writing novels and short stories.

But that’s all they’ve been for four and a half years: dreams. Now I look back and wonder, where could I be today if I had actually started then?

Every day I don’t write, I tell myself, that’s okay, there’s always tomorrow. I’ve told myself that for over a thousand yesterdays.

My whole life has revolved around inaction and instant gratification. Forever dreaming and forever procrastinating.

Well, that stops now. There are no more tomorrows. There is only today. No more endless dreaming; it’s time for endless doing.

My New Year’s resolution for 2017 is to return to blogging. And what better way to start a New Year’s resolution than starting it a week early?

Bring on 2017. Let’s get started.

Fat or Curvy… or Have I Been in America Too Long?

Whoah, it’s been over 3 weeks since my last post on here. It’s funny how quickly time can slip by when you’re not blogging. I’m gonna have to remedy that in the future with more frequent posts. But anyway…

Last week, Roosh Tweeted a link to a blog post entitled Fatkini 2012 asking the question “What’s worse… the pictures or the comments?” For those of you too lazy to click the link, here’s a sample of one of the pictures:
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All the comments on her post are a constant stream of calling her “gorgeous”, “beautiful”, etc. Essentially all the stereotypical feel-good comments girls give each other and the over-the-top flattery provided by a girl’s beta orbiters. So yeah, the comments are pretty nauseatingly bad no matter who the girl is.

But I truly and honestly don’t understand Roosh’s perspective on these pictures, especially asking if they’re worse than the comments. In theory, I get the whole “holy shit, fat women shouldn’t wear bikinis or even be seen in public” agenda motivating Roosh’s comment, and I certainly don’t hold that against him. My problem is that my mind simply cannot conceive of this girl being considered “fat”.

Yes, I can see where Roosh is coming from, as this girl isn’t exactly small, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s fat. This might be a rare, legitimate use of using the words “big-boned” or “curvy” to describe her. I’ve met a few girls before in person who legitimately have a larger-than-average bone structure, and it’s always a little weird meeting a girl the same size as me who isn’t fat.

One tell-tale sign and turn-off I look for in fat chicks is a noticeable jiggly flabbiness in her neck, arms, and thighs, along with significant rolls of fatty flesh in her abdomen protruding over the mons pubis. I don’t see any of those signs in this chick. Also absent are any traces of cellulite or stretch marks. With most fat chicks, I can at least imagine what they’d look like if they lost weight, but not so with this girl. She appears to be healthy to me.

In fact, at the risk of being lumped in with her other commentators, I’d even say I would happily and totally wreck every orifice on this girl. And I wouldn’t even feel the slightest bit of shame afterwards. (Though to be fair, I should admit that when I look at her, all I really see are her HUGE BEWBS. And I really, really like HUGE BEWBS. Also, those big, dick-sucking lips.)

Is there some optical illusion at work? The stripes in the bikini drawing my eyes to see an attractive chick? Is the bikini bottom acting as a corset? The devil magic of Photoshop at work in just the right places? Being too distracted by her HUGE BEWBS?

Or have I simply been in America too long? My brain can’t even conceive of this woman being “fat”, and sex with her would make my dick rock hard. Perhaps I’ve built an immune response to the plethora of fat chicks in this country, that I can’t fully recognize one where others in the Manosphere do. I’d love to hear others’ thoughts on this topic.

But maybe this discussion is completely pointless. After all, isn’t the only thing that really matters is that she decisively passes my boner test?

No Regrets

Yesterday, I went to visit my elderly great aunt in the nursing home. And I’m hoping for her sake, it’s the last time. I haven’t seen her in a few years, and the last time I did, she was healthy and vibrant. But now, she’s weak, frail, bedridden, forced to wear a diaper, barely able to speak, and completely dependent on nurses for her care. It put everything in perspective just how quickly life can change for the worse.

I could be just like that someday (Except I’m planning on finding the nearest cliff to jump off of before reaching that point). And it got me wondering, what will I regret when it’s me on my own deathbed? I want the answer to be “absolutely nothing.” Sure, there’s no way I can do and experience everything possible in life before dying, and I accept that. But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try my damnedest.

That means if I see a pretty girl I want to fuck, I will talk to her. That means if I want to meet more people and make more friends, I will go outside more. That means if I want to travel frequently, I will work my ass off to find a way to become location independent. That means if I want to publish a novel someday, I will be writing every day. That means if I want to experience other cultures, I will be studying and learning foreign languages. That means if I want to learn how to fight, I will start practicing a martial art. That means if I want only happiness in my life, I will be cutting out all the negative people and influences surrounding me. That means if I want as much time as possible to do these things, I will work out more and eat right.

Those are just a handful of things on my list of what I want to accomplish and how I want to accomplish them. So when the time comes, I can honestly say, “I regret nothing!”

What about you? What will you regret?

Rainbows

I went out for a short bike ride yesterday just after it finished raining around 5 p.m., where I discovered a double rainbow had formed on the eastern horizon. One of the rainbows made a beautiful full arc across the city. I raced to the nearest parking garage where I could get a better view from 11 stories up and take some pictures. Watching the colorful arcs in the sky put me in a rather introspective mood, and I wanted to share my thoughts.

The first thing I noticed was that nobody else had stopped to watch the rainbows. Nobody else cared. As it was just after 5, I could see from my vantage point the throng of people getting out of their jobs and scurrying back to their cars. I was the only one who had stopped to take the time to indulge in this instance of natural beauty. Even the people getting into their cars next to me on top of the parking garage couldn’t afford spending the time to watch the rainbows. Where did everyone else need to be in such a hurry at this time of the evening that they couldn’t just take 5 minutes to appreciate an awesome moment of nature?

We’re all so caught up in our lives and routines that just taking a moment to enjoy something as simple as a rainbow seems like a great burden to bear. My own life is so busy and hectic with writing, reading, chasing tail, working out, building this blog, occasionally doing my real job, etc., that I found it refreshing to take out a few minutes from my day to just enjoy something simple and beautiful.

Most of you are probably thinking it’s incredibly silly to get so excited about a rainbow. But, when was the last time you truly took the time to watch and enjoy one?

‘The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it.’
~ Rocky Balboa